For the past 2 years, I've been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. This man has done everything that he could to possibly bring me down. He's yelled, screamed, talked down to me, insulted me to my face and to his friends, cheated on me with numerous women (including a stripper), manipulated me into believing that everything was my fault, etc.... The list goes on and on. I spent 2 years crying over someone who showed no respect for me. I've been trying to figure out why I stayed so long. Could it have been that every time he apologized he brought God into the mix. He would say things like, "I am Gods son and he forgives me and I'm working on things so believe in me because he does.". Or could it have been the fact that every argument that we had, I was made to feel responsible for it, when it's he who has the anger issues and projects his negativity towards me. No, I think that I was just afraid of being alone....again.
Bottom line, I settled for someone who didn't deserve me. The thought of turning 30 and being alone didn't appeal to me, so I allowed him to continuously come back and I dealt with the bullshit that he always dragged along with him. Yep, I was that woman that I always said I wouldn't be. I was the woman who stayed. His negativity reached new heights when I experienced a miscarriage at the end of July. When I dealt with what no woman should deal with alone because he was, well, he was just being himself. He said, as I was crying, "I feel bad that I don't feel as bad as I should about it." I probably cried myself to sleep for weeks after my miscarriage. Sometimes when I talk about it or think about it, it brings tears to my eyes. I finally told my Mom about it this week and she was so supportive, yet upset that I didn't tell her when it happened. I should have told her, I needed someone, yet I was given false hope that HE would be there, so I told no one. It's very disheartening when you are always present when someone needs you, yet they are NEVER available for you. I figured that when he said the I Love You's and the I want to marry you's and the I will always be there for you's, that he actually meant it. I blame myself for not knowing better. Maybe I should have been harder on myself, maybe I should have gone with my gut in 2011 when it just kept telling me to walk away. But I didn't, not only because I loved him, but because I was afraid of being alone.
We did have some good times, some great times. But those were so few and far between compared to the horrible times, the times that i felt like shrinking into a corner when he was yelling at me, or when I felt just a tad bit unsafe because his temper was so fierce, or when he would talk down to me and make me feel like nothing and then try to console me as if everything was ok yet all the while, I was crying inside.
Next week I'm turning 30 and it took me a while to realize this, but, I am NOT alone. I may not be in a relationship, but I am NOT alone.
Bisous,
MiMi
