Start Over

I need a fresh start...So, here's to new beginnings

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Now playing: beyonce Start Over - YouTube
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F*ck was I

I haven't been in a good place, which is why there have been very few updates. I'm not sure if everyone knows exactly what happened with R2D2. Well, he had a girlfriend...yep, we had been dating for 9 months, and it turns out that he officially started a relationship with a young lady 3 months before we started dating. I got an angry email from her, and then she and I spoke on the phone. My heart went out to her because although what R2D2 did was completely wrong to both of us, she was the only one hurt by it. I didn't feel anything at all because my heart was never in it. And he was so nonchalant about the whole thing, that I didn't even care to ask questions or figure it out.....I was just done with him, no looking back, no second thoughts...... Two weeks after that, I reunite with 007. Things are great in the beginning. I do my normal MiMi freakout and he reassures me that he isn't like every other guy that I've dated, so I have no cause to freakout or pack my bags and run from this relationship. Yeah, we were exclusive, or at least I was. It happened again. I wasn't informed about another woman. And although I was told that nothing happened, that the txt messages meant nothing, it was told to me in such a nonchalant way that lead me to believe that he didn't care about me in the first place. There was no fight for me, he wasn't fighting for me to believe him, he fought for me to let it go, to not ask questions because he answered them all. So, I let another man talk me into opening up, and he doesn't even care that he let me down or that he actually broke my heart. And maybe nothing happened with that particular woman, but his actions lead me to believe that it might have happened with someone. That the flirting might have actually escalated into something more. And by actions, I mean that he willingly saw this young lady again. My apparent heartache couldn't even stop that. That's not respect or concern or care. That screams "I don't give a fuck". Well, I guess that his screams were loud enough for me to finally hear.

So here I am again ladies. I don't know what I do to attract these men that are just too selfish to give me a second thought, but I think that I'm going to lay low for a while. My relationships really haven't been working out, as you can see, so I'm going to take a step back from it all before my heart becomes completely unrepairable to where Mr. Right can't even fix it.




Bisous!
MiMi



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Now playing: ‪Jenny Owen Youngs - "F*ck Was I"‬‏
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The Kill

I've just realized that I'm trying to replace "romantic" intimacy with sex. When you constantly leave a situation crying because you aren't being kissed or held, when you aren't being told "I miss you" or "I wish you were here", when everything seems to be a game, and you aren't being taken seriously, there is a problem. I've recently been in such a situation. I was trying to deny my feelings, but I will admit that I did fall "head over heels" and now I'm trying to figure out what went wrong and how to walk away. It hurts having to ask someone all of the time to kiss you or hold you without it being in jest. I can't remember the last time that any of those things were done without having to ask for it. And although when I express my emotions through text I receive a response, in person is a completely different story. So, I eventually just gave up and decided that maybe sex would replace the "romantic" intimacy that was missing in that relationship. I kept telling myself, "He's a good man, just wait for him to come around". That has got to stop. He may be a good man, but he isn't reciprocating what I'm giving to him, he isn't opening his heart to me, so, maybe he just isn't the right man for me. That's hard for me to say or even think because of how I feel about him, but all of the signs are there. I live hundreds of miles away, so, when we see each other he shouldn't be able to keep his hands off of me, he should make a way to spend as much time with me as he can...I should feel wanted.



MiMi

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Now playing: The Kill-30 Seconds to Mars Lyrics
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For Blue Skies

So tonight was supposed to be my first official date night. A few weeks ago a coworker invited me out to dinner. I went, we had a few drinks, some laughs, and then I went home. I didn't think anything of it, until the next day when I got the "good afternoon beautiful" txt. I was like, huh? Everyday for an entire week this man either txt me or called me whispering sweet nothings....and to me, it really was nothing. So, I had to let him know that I wasn't under the impression that he was interested in me,that I went to dinner with him as a friend, and that he needed to take a few steps back. Fast forward 3 weeks. Apparently he had taken what I said to heart and given me some space, but now, he wants to "play ball". He started off casually by placing a rice crispy treat on my desk....and I have to buy about 5 of them every tuesday because they go fast in our vending machine...so, that was sweet of him. Two days later, I get an email asking how my week was going, and the next day, he invites me out for a "casual date of playing pool and having drinks". So, I say sure, not really knowing what to expect from him or even from myself. I've really been trying to get my mind into date mode, but I'm just not feeling it right now. Needless to say, I cancelled on him. I said yes, but for all of the wrong reasons. I felt that if I went on a date with this guy then maybe it would get my mind off of 007 and once I forgot about him, it would somehow make everything better. I didn't want to feel as if I was waiting around for a man who didn't want me to wait for him and that maybe going out with another man would make me want him just a tad bit less. But then I sat back and took it all in. I'm not ready just yet. I can't force my feelings away, they will dissipate in their own time. But until then, I'm taking baby steps forward, no looking back. It's time to walk away from the heartache and let go of the sadness because some things just weren't meant to be. And although the pieces of my heart that I gave him are still searching for their way back home, I will never lose hope that love will find me one day.

"Love makes your soul crawl out from it's hiding place" -Zora Neal Hurston



Bisous!
MiMi






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Now playing: For Blue Skies - Strays Don't Sleep
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Heavy In Your Arms

It's been a month and two weeks...that's how long I've been waiting for a sign of hope, just something to let me know that we're going to actually make it work.....Today I went with Casey to pick up the ring, and although I'm elated that my friends are taking that next step, I'm also just a little sad that I'm still the one left behind. No, it's not a race and I'm in no rush, but it just seems as if I'm not getting any closer to having that +1. And I usually continue friendships with the people that I've dated, but this time I really don't think that I can. I think that I just said the last few words that I'll ever say to him again and I didn't even know it until now...But here is the upside to all of this, at least I know what I want and deserve. I've been weeding out guys within the past month (yeah, I still get asked out...I do have somewhat of a life outside of work :/ ) so now I can possibly open up again and enjoy another mans company. I'm not going to jump into anything serious for a while, but, a little fun isn't going to hurt :) . When someone want's to be with you, they make it happen. It's time to stop waiting around for the one that doesn't. I'm not going out there looking, but I'm sure that the right one is bound to find me. Wish me luck ladies!


Bisous!
MiMi











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Now playing: "Heavy In Your Arms" - Florence And The Machine [OFFICIAL]
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Sparks

Ever heard of someone being in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime? I finally met someone that I thought was going to be in my life for a lifetime. I've dated people and I've thought of the possibility of a future, but with him, I didn't think of it as being just a mere possibility. I could see an actual future....I could feel it. Something in my heart was telling me to let my guard completely down and just fall head over heels for him, but my mind was telling me to hold on to the reins just a bit longer. Comfort, happiness, care, support.....All of those things I gave to him freely. It was never forced. For the first time, I didn't have to force not one emotion. I didn't have to try to make myself feel something that I didn't in order to care. But I think that I have now allowed myself to care too much and now I'm left alone with a broken heart. And although I didn't allow myself to fall in love, the pieces of my heart that I did give him need time to heal.
I keep trying to convince myself that he wasn't important to me, that I really didn't care..... Trying to sike myself out. But this time my mind isn't allowing me to depreciate what my heart is still longing to feel.



MiMi


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Now playing: Coldplay-Sparks
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Goodbye Game

How many failed relationships can you have before the goodbyes become toxic to your soul?

How many lies can you hear before they start eating you alive? How do you stop yourself from saying anything at all? Are you supposed to pretend as if you don't know?

That seems to be the pattern in my life. Today I feel as if I'm emotionally immune. I'm numb and tired......... When does it end......




MiMi